Musings

I've had a few people ask me why I haven't been blogging in recent times. I have had a lot going on that is not the subject matter of a public blog, and it is difficult to put all of that aside and write about random things. I do write privately about things that are on my mind, but I write a public blog post only when I feel a real need to do so.

On a more positive note, I started a new job about two months ago and it is the best thing that has happened to me in the last year or so. After almost four years, I once again have a boss I can respect and look up to. He is a very bright, brilliant man who is always willing to share his knowledge. Plus, my coworkers here are friendly and willing to help and collaborate whenever I need them to. A very pleasant and much needed change from my last job.

A random thing that I noticed recently. I have a bunch of different blogs on my RSS feed, some written by people I know, some by those I don't. But in recent months, I have noticed that I tend to read only the ones that are related to food and recipes, such as the Food Network Healthy Eats blog. So here's what I'm thinking I'm going to do. I am going to blog every now and then about my own experiments in the kitchen. Don't expect me to post neatly and systematically written recipes, because that's not how I cook, but I'll share general ideas about what I do with my food.

I never, ever follow a recipe exactly the way it is written out. But I do look for new recipes of all kinds just to get new ideas. Then I tweak it, to make it healthier, or fuse in some Indian flavor if it's not an Indian recipe (so that my husband will be more likely to eat it), or just to substitute some fancy, difficult to procure ingredients for ones that are easier to find.

Things That Have Changed, And Ones That Haven't

A lot has changed since I got married and moved, but a lot is still the same. Here's some of that stuff.

Stuff that has changed:

• I now believe in the institution of marriage. I believe in arranged marriage, and in falling in love after getting married.
• I am much happier now. Probably this is in part because I am not under work-related stress and am getting enough sleep.
• I cook!
• I no longer wash my clothes myself. I toss everything in the washer, and then into the dryer.
• I have switched to brown rice.
• I am more open to trying new things to eat. But I am more cautious about the nutritional content of stuff that I eat.
• My favourite flavour for dessert and other sweet things (mildly sweet things that do not necessarily qualify as dessert - like oatmeal and breakfast cereal) has changed from chocolate to cinnamon. Chocolate is still a close second, though. Mint chocolate has established itself as a much-loved variation. I eat chocolate and cookies and such things a lot less frequently.

Things that are pretty much the same:

• I can still not complete three sentences of spoken English without switching over to Hindi in between, or pausing noticeably to think and prevent myself from doing so.
• I still love rajma. And watermelons.
• I still love writing. And reading.
• I still love Hindi music and try to keep up with whatever is the latest in Bollywood. I try to catch as many of the movies as I can as well.
• My favourite post on my blog is still this one.
• My favourite movie is still, yes, you know it!
• My favourite TV show is still Friends. The Big Bang Theory comes a close second, followed by Beverly Hills, 90210.
• I still go to the gym five days a week and take weekends off.
• I still eat Indian food at least six days a week, on average. Only now, I cook most of it myself.

Musings For Today

Some of my friends would recall how, a little over a year ago, when I started my blog, I used to write only on weekends. Gradually I moved on to writing a post a day, seven days a week. And now the tide has turned in the other direction. I write only on weekdays. Because weekends are for spending time with my husband. This blog has become more of an account of whatever has been going on in my life, rather than a record of thoughts. But I don't think anybody minds. I think most of my friends are quite happy that I keep them updated on the latest happenings in my life. Those who have the patience to read all those long-winded posts, that is!

There are very few things I am missing about my life in India. Being able to drive around on my own is one. There are still a few small issues that should be resolved in a week or so and I should be able to get my learner's permit, for starters. Regular access to things like bhelpuri is another. We went to a small carnival last evening, and that's when I discovered that street food in this country comprises of candied apples (which are really yummy, by the way), popcorn and nacho chips. I mean, you do get all the ingredients for bhelpuri or golgappe at Indian stores, but it's not the same as eating that stuff standing out on the street, now, is it?

In spite of the miles, I feel pretty well-connected to my family and friends. It's pretty easy and economical to talk to them all the time, you know. And there's always e-mail, orkut, facebook, and, of course, blogs.

On the other hand, there will certainly be some adjustment problems when I go back to India. For one, I have always been pretty intolerant to heat. I have become even more so now. And who knows what will happen after one snowy winter here. I have become used to organised traffic that almost always obeys the rules. This will be all the more so after I start driving. Where we live, it rains about once every three days. Life and traffic continues smoothly, as it also does when it snows, I have been made to understand. In Delhi and Noida, I have experienced insane traffic jams almost every time it rains slightly heavily, as, I'm sure, have most of us.

Well, you know, life in every part of the world has its own good side and its own flip side. One thing's for sure - you have to experience it for yourself in order to fully understand both sides. Every such experience leaves you enriched, wiser, more mature, and hopefully, more adaptable and open minded.

Mixed Bag

Somewhere in the middle of all the changes that came with getting married and moving to a new place, I forgot to notice that it's been one whole year of blogging for me! One year, with a little over three hundred posts, and I still find it fun.

This weekend was a relatively peaceful weekend for us. Taking care of the little things like grocery and laundry, and relaxing and spending time with each other. My husband took me out for an unplanned shopping trip and ended up buying me a huge array of clothes for a slightly insane amount of money. The lady at the check out counter told me that I was a very lucky lady and that she was jealous with every piece she was folding. That left a smile on my face for a pretty long time.

It's a little strange, and good for me, that my life has become so much more peaceful and so much easier after my wedding. Generally I see girls getting married and stepping into a phase with added responsibilities and added commitments. True, I do have more responsibility in a number of ways now, but so many things are so much easier, because we're on our own and we're in a country where you find all kinds of conveniences and comforts. I know, it will not be quite as relaxed once I start working, but I'm enjoying myself while I can.

Penultimate Day At Work

A rather emotional day for me. Abhinav wanted to take some time in the morning and say stuff that would get me all sentimental and make me cry. Because apparently, he's a little too busy to do that tomorrow. Alok took me out for lunch and we had the loveliest time. Bhavna and Abhinav took me shopping for a little while and we had our share of laughs and making fun of each other.

Small digression. One thing I wanted to mention in this post that I forgot. Ruchi said that she could write a book about the nine years that she and I have been through together. One of the guys was rather curious on whether anybody would read it. Ruchi said that if a book was ever written about Bhavya, it would certainly find a lot of readers.

The coming ten days are going to go past me in a bit of a rush. And when I come home at the end of a full day, I just feel like plopping down on my bed. I don't generally have enough energy to sit up in front of a desktop computer. Which is why I believe that this blog will be on a bit of a break after I return this laptop tomorrow. But I will definitely resume blogging in full swing once I have had a couple of days to settle down in the US.

Last Week At Work

This morning, as I was dusting my room, I was brushing the dust off my laptop and it struck me that I'm cleaning this laptop for the last time. The computer I used for writing all but two of the posts on this blog. The computer which I used to watch any number of movies and TV shows. After I return it next week, this blog will probably take a long break.

And then there are the bigger things. This is the last time I'm going to bed on Sunday night, knowing that I have to get up and go to work for another five days. The last five days of driving all the way to Noida. Of talking heart to heart with my friends during that forty kilometre drive. Of entering that familiar workplace and seeing those familiar faces around. Of reporting to that familiar boss. Debugging that familiar (almost familiar!) code. Swiping the same access card every morning. Having lunch in that same cafeteria every afternoon. Taking a walk around the same campus.

It's not just the people at the office I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss this office.

At A Loss For Words

I've written arbitrarily long posts on arbitrarily random subjects on this blog. But ever since my wedding has been fixed, I haven't been writing too much about that or about anything else. I mean, this is the most important event of my life. There's so much going on in my mind. But it's either inappropriate for a public blog, or too difficult to put into words. These days I am no longer the extremely expressive person that I used to be. It's a little weird, but it's just a phase. I'm saving it all up for my big writing project!

Filing Away My Stuff

I'm a rather strange sort of creature. (That is probably one of the sentences I use most often.) If I am organised, I am hyper-organised. If I am not, I am completely haphazard.

So I realised a few weeks ago that this blog needs a bit of organising. I wonder why I never used labels on any of my posts. For a few weeks, I've been thinking that I need to do just that and I've been postponing it. Not any more. I just started out, and I've covered the posts till September. I'll hopefully be done with the rest of them by the weekend. A book I meant to finish today is lying by my side, neglected. Because I have my "blog days." When all my attention is taken up by my blog. To counter these, I also observe "no-blog days" when I either turn off my laptop and put it aside, or, better still, leave it in the office. These are the days I use to catch up on my reading and sleeping. I'll need a lot of days of that sort to counter this one!

Be Right Back

Of late, I've acquired a reputation for writing an entry a day, and people start asking me if something is wrong when I don't write anything for a day. So I thought I'd tell everyone before they start asking me. Some things have not been quite right over the last few days. Punctured tyres, deflated, non-punctured tyres, a malfunctioning geyser (Those who know me well know how important it is for me to take a bath twice a day. They'll know how disruptive a malfunctioning geyser in my bathroom can be.), and to top everything off, connectivity issues at home on Tuesday evening. Over the past week, I'd been reading a book called Chowringhee (book review in the offing), which I resolved to finish on Monday night. I decided that I would refrain from blogging that night so that I may be able to finish it off. Given the time I reached home, the amount of time it normally takes me to eat and to take a bath, and given how much of the book was left, I estimated I'd finish the book by 12:30 AM. Managed to do it by 12:28. I wanted to write a review right then, but slumber land beckoned too strongly. I have decided not to take up another book for the rest of this week, in order to catch up on my blogging and sleep. Internet connection permitting, I should be back to my usual ways tonight.

Torturing My Grey Cells

The title for this one comes from a comment on a previous post. I kind of liked the phrase, so I thought I'd use it here.

In the last fortnight, I have rediscovered the avid reader in me. After I read three books during the shutdown, on the first day back at work, Bhatti handed me his copy of The Kite Runner, since he knew I wanted to read it. I have been reading it the last three evenings, and it has engaged me to the extent that I feel sleepy, but do not want to put the book down. Yesterday my mom was recollecting how I always used to fall asleep with a book in my hand or on my chest. That happened again last night. And the night before that. After a really long time. So my mom has, once again, added this item to her list of household duties. Keeping my book aside and putting out the light in my room.

This morning, a friend of mine sent me an e-mail mentioning the fact that I didn't write a post yesterday, and asking if everything was quite all right. That pointed out to me that my evenings have become a bit of a battle between my two addictions - blogging and reading, and the need for sleep.

My brother says that, some years back, I used to fall asleep reading something, and if he shook me a little, I would wake up, and not realise that I'd fallen asleep, and nonchalantly resume reading from the same point. He also claims that sometimes I used to wake up in the middle of the night, perform some random calculations on a notepad (a paper notepad) or a calculator, and go back to sleep. I also used to mumble stuff about sequences and series in my sleep. I know all this is a little far out, but I do think that most of it is actually quite accurate.

Guess what? Today I spent around fourteen hundred rupees at a bookstore. That's about as much as I spent on clothes on my last shopping trip. And today's shopping trip bought me a little more satisfaction than the last one. And a reason to look forward to many more odd evenings.

Happy Birthday, Bhatti!

Would I miss out writing a birthday post for the guy who pushed me to start blogging my ideas? Would the guy who has instigated me to present here a pink-tinted view (this phrase comes from here) of many a subject and many a guy, be spared? Surely not! (If I was writing this my own way, this would have read "Certainly not," but this is one of Bhatti's favourite words, in speech and in writing.) Also, certain people are supposedly more regular on Random Musings than on orkut, and those people have a tendency to forget things, so this should remind them.

Not so very long ago, I was blissfully unaware of Bhatti's talents. At poking fun at me and amusing himself and everyone around him at my expense. At exhibiting fine examples of the strangest kind of humor that exists on the face of this Earth. At procuring nondescript objects from the junk in his cubicle to hand over to me to throw at the likes of Akash or Abhinav.

And then there are the talents that I've been fortunate enough to see from Day One. The talent at expressing every emotion known to mankind with a facial expression that no other living being can replicate. At making all kinds of sounds, all day long, in his cubicle, that no musical instrument or living being can replicate. And when you get a combination of a vocal and a facial expression, it is interesting enough to make you curse yourself for not making a video.

In spite of being part of the same team, I haven't had a chance to really work with Bhatti. I'm not sure if that is fortunate or unfortunate for me. Maybe some people who read this would like to comment upon that. But, being immediate cubicle neighbours, I've had the chance to know him pretty well. He makes seventeen (that's his favourite number) attempts a day to do something unspeakably bad to my kangaroo. Another seventeen to instigate me into beating up somebody in the team. And another seventeen times, he will deal out a comment that will make me want to beat him up. But in spite of all that, I wouldn't want to trade him in for any other neighbour.

Happy birthday, Bhatti. May you get everything you ever wanted in the year to come, and in the years to come after that.

Addiction!

Whoever foresaw that getting addicted to blogging is worse than getting addicted to caffeine? I most certainly didn't. As a dear friend of mine pointed out in a completely obfuscated comment on a recent post, I have become completely addicted to blogging. And until today, I did not realize how right he could have been.

When I started blogging, I used to write primarily on weekends. For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been writing at least one post a day, if not here, then on my private blog. Last night I really wanted to write something and I had a vague idea in my mind, but before that idea could take the shape that it was destined for, a friend of mine called me and we talked for a while. After I hung up the phone, I was feeling too sleepy to think. I had another opportunity in the morning, when Varun (the friend I carpool with) overslept and I had some time to kill while he got ready for work. Somehow the ideas refused to form. I guess I am not a morning person, as far as blogging goes. I can only write code in the morning.

I remember the time I was completely addicted to coffee, and missed my morning cup one day. I had a pretty bad headache that day. I was pretty young then, and did not have the faintest idea how I could make myself some coffee. So after I got back from my school in the afternoon, and my mom got back from hers, she settled in for her afternoon nap, and I desperately needed to do something about the whole thing. So I just went into the kitchen and grabbed myself a spoonful of coffee powder. It was a wee bit more bitter than I'd imagined.

And here's what happened to me today. I had this bottled up restlessness from not being able to write last night, or this morning. And I had a bit of restlessness from a little something at work that I'd been struggling with for a couple of days and not getting anywhere. I did eventually get that thing done today. It seemed almost inconsequential that I finally managed to accomplish this little task that I'd been struggling with all this while.

The instant I got home, I just wanted to sit here and write. But then my laptop ran into some spy ware trouble. Handed it over to the expert and had him fix it. Sat down to write as soon as it was all done. I have yet to go take my evening bath. And my close friends like Sumit and Shashank know how extremely important that is to me. I can give up rajma chawal, chocolate chip muffins, sleep, entertainment, but certainly not either of my daily bath times! Finally. Something else is more important than bathing!

Why I Continue To Blog

Saturday, May 17, 2008: Random Musings comes into existence.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008: My private blog comes into existence.

Saturday, August 23, 2008: The combined total number of posts on Random Musings and The Personal Stuff adds up to a hundred.

Monday, September 15, 2008: The number of posts on Random Musings goes up to a hundred.

Today: The combined total goes to two hundred posts! I have become so addicted to blogging. I write just because I want to write, because I don't have the kind of peaceful time alone that I need or want in order to write a book, but I want to keep in touch with the writer inside me. So she can churn out something randomly interesting when she does get the time to do so. Perhaps during the shutdown this year.

Here's why I get a kick out of blogging:

• It is, by far, the most constructive, creative and easy-to-keep-up-with leisure activity I have ever been introduced to. There was a time when I used to love painting. I still have one of those hanging on my bedroom wall. I would actually like to resume that too, someday, but it needs a little more dedication, larger chunks of leisure time, art supplies... and it is messy sometimes. You also need a fair amount of clear space, which is difficult to find in our house!
• Sometimes, blogging gives me unexpected insights into the kind of person I really am.
• Sometimes, blogging gives me unexpected insights into the kind of person people think I really am.
• It helps me relax, offload my worries, my anger, my fears. Even if there's something I absolutely cannot share, even with my closest friends, I write it down and that makes me feel so much better.
• When I feel good about something, and I write about it, I feel even better!
• It gives me a sense of achievement that I don't really get from anything else.
• It reminds me of the good old days when I used to write for the school magazine and edit what other people wrote for it. I think I want to write a separate post about this soon.
• It keeps my grey cells on their toes, on the lookout for something to write about. (Okay, I know you can't keep cells on their toes, but you don't have to take everything literally!)
• In the process, I have some fun, and so do some of my friends who actually like reading my ramblings which are of no real consequence to any of them.

How It All Began

Okay, this is way past its due date, but this is all very instrumental to how Random Musings came into existence.

There was a time when I just felt like sharing some random thoughts with my friends. One fine day, my cubicle neighbour, Bhatti, told me he found them interesting and I should write them down on a blog.

Well, as it happens, that was just the push I needed. I thought those initial thoughts definitely deserve a place of pride on this blog. So here goes.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ever notice how we never realize what we were missing until it arrives?
How we never notice the void in our lives until we find something to fill it up with?

There’s this conversation in the movie Failure to Launch which I found interesting:

Tripp: Do you have real feelings?
Paula: Of course I have real feelings!
Tripp: For what?
Paula: For you! And believe me I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well... it was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Why is it that we feel like being left alone when we need to be with friends the most?
That we feel like not talking about the stuff that we most need to talk about?
That we find the best things in life where we least expect to find them?
And if we do find something good that we’ve always been looking for, we fail to recognize and appreciate it?

A little piece from Sleepless in Seattle that is rather interesting and thought provoking, although you might need to know the context somewhat:

JAY: Well, this is fate! She's divorced, we don't want to redo the cabinets, and you need a wife. What do they call it when everything intersects?
SAM: The Bermuda Triangle.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Disclaimer: no male bashing intended

I have a feeling that guys do not, in general, like it when girls make the first move in a relationship. Even if the girl is someone you’d otherwise find attractive and nice and interesting, you’d probably not like it if she asks you out first. A friend of mine (a guy) once explained to me at length that a guy would want a girl to ask him out, but he would not like it if she does. I was given a long discourse on the difference between like, want and need which I will not go into right now, but it’s an interesting thing to think about and to do some research on :P

A conversation from Sleepless in Seattle between a guy (Sam) and his son, Jonah, who’s about eight.

SAM: You see someone you like, you get a feeling about them, you ask them if they want to have a drink or --
JONAH: -- a slice of pizza --
SAM: But not dinner necessarily on the first date because by the time you're halfway through dinner you might be sorry you asked them to dinner whereas if it's just a drink, if you like them you can always ask them for dinner but if you don't you can go home if you see what I mean.
I wonder if it still works this way.
JONAH: It doesn't. They ask you.
SAM: I'm starting to notice that.

Oh, by the way, if some of you people have started to feel that I have started spamming you with total nonsense these days, you are more than welcome to express that feeling. Not that it’s going to make me stop, but I’d like to hear that expression of your feelings anyway.

Today

Thanks Bhatti, for pushing me in this direction.

By the way, Bhatti recently sent me a link to someone's blog. Now this someone is a girl I don't know, and I don't think Bhatti knows her either. But she is someone who is an engineer by qualification, who gave up her engineering job to become a magazine editor. I am having so much fun reading her blog! This just might be the push I need right now.

For Everyone Who Encouraged Me To Write

I am really happy to be writing this hundredth post on Random Musings today. In the last four months I have rediscovered the forgotten joy of creative writing, gained some more self confidence, found a terrific way to give expression to everything that goes on in my mind.

This post is for Bhatti, who encouraged me to start blogging in the first place.

For Akash, whose "uncommitted commitment" to write comments on my blog always kept me going.

For Sumit, who made my day on my birthday by telling me that he chalks out time twice a week to read my blog. He'd never written any comments until then, but he couldn't have given me a better birthday gift than a comment here.

For Aditi Madan, Aditi Gupta, Abhinav, Alok, Vikas Jain (the one who was my junior in DU), Kavita, Jayant, Dr Amber Habib, Tulika, Chaya, Rimmi, Geeta, and everyone else who ever wrote a comment or a mail praising or criticising anything I ever wrote here.

For Bhavna and Aarti, who always read everything I write, and let me know that they do, even though they never write a comment.

And yes, there was the time when I told Ashish that I wouldn't write anything more on my blog until he read everything I'd written so far. He did, eventually, although my patience gave way a little before he managed to do so. But he wrote a large number of comments on various entries during that particular week, most of which made me feel really good. There was this one particular morning when, as soon as he walked in at work, he told me that I write really well. I still feel really good when I recall how he praised this particular post that morning. This is also for him.

Stuff I Love

• People complimenting me on all the weight I've lost
• People complimenting me on the stuff I write here
• Writing random stuff that nobody else cares about and making people read it
• The way my brother's face lights up when I shop for him and he likes the stuff I get for him (which he usually does, by the way :) )
• Meeting up with old friends
• Going shopping all by myself
• Having someone do something thoughtful for me unexpectedly
• My mom's Rajma Chawal
• Watermelons
• Anything sinfully chocolaty
• Seeing something sinfully chocolaty right in front of my eyes and restricting myself from eating it
• Seeing something sinfully chocolaty right in front of my eyes and not restricting myself from eating it
• A R Rahman's music
• Sukhwinder Singh's voice
• Ajay Devgan's expressive eyes
• Aamir Khan's acting
• A song that's going about in my head being played on the radio
• The Shrek movies and the songs featured in the soundtracks
• Strolling about in the drizzle and singing to myself when it's raining a little and there's a breeze
• Driving with the windows rolled down when it's raining a little and there's a breeze
• Nice, cool baths in the summer
• Nice, warm baths in the winter
• And, sleeping to my heart's content!!!

Twelve Days Of Self Imposed Restraint

My twelve days off from blogging went rather badly... I never realised until now that I'd been deriving such a huge amount of pleasure from this activity! I'm not too sure why I imposed this on myself, or what I was trying to prove here, but, like just about everything else that goes on in my mind, this was a random thought that occured to me and I felt the need to do this. It made me feel pretty restless, really. Restless enough to make me write eight posts in one go over a weekend when I was feeling particularly sleep deprived. I noticed that a lot of these posts were much longer than my usual ones. I also wrote three testimonials for my friends on orkut this weekend. I never knew I still had such a compelling desire to write. To express myself, even when there wasn't too much to express. And to make people read the random expressions. It gives me any amount of joy to see my friends commenting on my blog. There are a few friends of mine who never or hardly ever post comments, but they've told me that they follow my posts regularly. They notice when I don't write anything for four or five days. That makes me feel good. A certain friend of mine told me that he and two other friends of ours were talking about how they no longer understand my morning quotes or my blog posts. These three supposedly went through some of my blog posts without any amount of seriousness, just having fun. Hearing this, interestingly, also made me feel good in a strange sort of way. Because I actually never expected any of these three guys to appreciate any of the stuff I write. I was just happy to know that they tried to read it, and even discuss it :D

Keep the comments and the criticism coming folks. Whether you like it or hate it, I love doing this!!!

Returning to my dreams

I am one of those people who do not go after their dreams. Not one, not two, I gave up three interesting, heartfelt dreams to end up as a software developer. One of those dreams was about a career in creative writing. There was a time when I actually believed I had a reasonable amount of talent in that area. And it was an activity that gave me a lot of happiness and satisfaction. I don't really want to recall why I gave up that dream. And it's not that I'm miserable about giving it up. I am actually quite happy with my current profession. And nobody can actually say if I would have been happier or less happy with a career in journalism or something. But that is something that I do wonder about sometimes. But there is one thing I know for sure. When I put my messed up thoughts in words and torture people by making them read those words, it makes me immensely happy. Giving words to something I feel strongly about, or something that I am confused about, or something that I am unhappy about, always makes me feel good. And everyone needs something that makes them feel good. Hence this blog. Let's see how often I add to this, but I'll try to do it as often as I can.

And by the way, I know that certain colleagues of mine who crib about the colour of my media player will also make snide remarks about this colour scheme, but I like it, and it makes me feel nice, so it will remain this way!