Taking Stock

Turning a year older always terrifies me. I always tend to act overly emotional and do something stupid around my birthday. Never really figured out a logical reason for that. But there isn't supposed to be a logical reason for acting illogical, now, is there?

This year, thankfully, nothing particularly stupid. Felt more in control of my senses than ever before. Or so it seems to me, at least. Seems like I am gradually learning to rejoice the present for what it is, and to let go of my worries about the past or the future. To let go of the feeling that time is running out on me and I haven't done a lot of the stuff I really wanted to do. Like write a novel. Or take a few weeks off, go to a quiet place in the hills, and paint. Or find the perfect guy. There's a lot I could add to this list. And I know I will do most of this stuff some day. But the more important thing is, well, even if I don't, what's the point of panicking about it every so often?

I've changed a lot in the last one year. Not sure if it's for the better or the worse, but I see an apparent change. I feel more confident of myself and my actions, both on the professional and personal front. I feel less inhibited about talking to new people, people I hardly know or just met. This is actually a change that has come about over the last six or seven years, but it has become more apparent to me over the last year. And then there are the odd changes. I feel less inclined to talk to the people I know well. The people I've been with for years. That's something I find really odd and I really don't know why that is so. But I'm really happy to say that a whole bunch of my friends have been really understanding about this odd behaviour. That's the kind of people everyone needs to have in their lives. People who know you need them, even if or when you do not show it, or portray the exact opposite of it. People who make you feel special, wanted, needed. Like my college pals who tried their best to make me shop today when I seemed to show very little inclination towards doing so. Like one of my dearest friends who got up at 5:30 AM his time so he could wish me on my birthday at midnight according to Indian time. Like the other of my two dearest friends who's always encouraging me to pursue my creative interests... being a creative professional herself, she keeps reminding me of my creative streak and my need to exploit it. And then there are the people with whom I've been acquainted more recently, like the gals at work who encouraged me to start working out with them, although eventually they gave it up themselves and I held on. Like my cubicle neighbour who encouraged me to start blogging. Brilliant idea. It's worked wonders for my self-esteem. And my friend who gave me a discourse on relishing the present instead of moping about the past or the future. I want to say a genuine, heartfelt thank you to all these people and to everyone else who has touched my life in whatever way, small or big, for making me a better, stronger, happier person.