Being Friends

What is friendship all about, really? There are times when I wonder aimlessly about this. It's not just about hanging out with people and having fun spending time with them. That stuff is important, actually. But by itself it's all very superficial. These are not the significant reasons why we have friends in our lives. Those reasons are way deeper than this.

Back in our college days, Ruchi, Kavita and I had a discussion on what makes someone your best friend. I had a long list of stuff there. Like who's the first person you look for when you want to share your joy. Or who's the first person you look for when you need a shoulder to cry on. The one person you feel most comfortable discussing you most intimate secrets with. Kavita had an interesting take on this which has stayed with me after all these years. She said she'd try to figure out why that person became friends with her in the first place. Today, when I look reasonably normal and talk fairly normally, there are people who are nice to me. But what happens tomorrow if (heaven forbid) I meet with some sort of misfortune and I end up becoming really ugly and unable to talk properly? Who do I know who will still be my friend if something like that happens?

This was five or six years ago. Since then my viewpoint on this had been modified a little. It's still not that radical, though. I think that all of us find reasonably good friends when we are in college or working in a certain place. But the significant ones are the handful who take the trouble to stay in touch with you after you are no longer studying or working together. That's the most significant reason why I value my friends from school and then my friends from my undergraduate years over all my other friends. Because my relationship with them has stood the test of time and distance. On the other hand, I've already almost lost touch with the vast majority of people with whom I did my post graduation.

To me, keeping in touch with friends does not just mean seeing them regularly or talking to them regularly. I think it's more important that, whenever you talk, however infrequently that is, you catch up on the significant stuff going on in the other person's life. You know what matters and what does not matter to your friend. You tell them what matters to you and what doesn't. They know it when something's bothering you or something's not right with you. They know just what to do or say in order to make you feel better. They know when to leave you alone. They also know it when you say you want to be left alone but you actually don't. And you know all that stuff about them. It's a two-way street. You lean on me, I lean on you, and we'll both be quite okay. That's what I think it's all about.